My eldest half-brother passed away last month. Three weeks have passed, and I still cannot fully process what happened.
Sometimes I reach for my phone to call or text him, and then I remember that he is no longer here. The realization hits me over and over again, as if my mind refuses to accept a reality that my heart never wanted.
I have lost people who were close to my heart before, but this loss feels different. Some days I feel guilty. Other days I feel hurt. Some days I feel anger. Other days I feel absolutely nothing at all.
There are moments when I catch myself smiling, and then I immediately stop, as if happiness is somehow inappropriate. There are moments when I think about sharing something with him, asking for his opinion, or hearing what he would have said about a certain topic. Then I remember that there will be no new conversations, no new messages, and no new phone calls.
The last phone call has already happened. I just did not know it at the time.
Over the past weeks, I have learned from grief those lessons:
1-Pain never truly goes away
I do not think grief is something we "get over." Instead, I think we learn how to carry it.
The pain changes shape over time, it loses its sharp edges, but it remains part of us. We learn how to make room for it, and how to keep moving even when it feels impossibly heavy.
2-The world keeps moving
One of the strangest things about grief is watching the world continue as if nothing happened.
People go to work.
Traffic continues.
Wars end.
Meanwhile, part of me feels frozen in time, standing at the exact moment I learned he died.
3-Grief changes how you see the world
The world looks different after loss.
The colors are not necessarily darker, but they are different.
Loss changes your perspective in ways you never expected.
4-It changes how you think and feel
My values and morals have not changed.
I am still me.
But grief has changed the way I process emotions and thoughts. Experiences pass through a different lens now. Reactions are less intense. Priorities feel different.
Things that once seemed important, now feel insignificant. Small moments become more meaningful. Time feels more precious.
4- "How Are You?" became the most difficult question
I do not know how to answer this question now.
Am I sad?
Yes.
Am I functioning?
Mostly.
Am I okay?
I honestly do not know.
5- I don't like sharing my pain
I have never been particularly comfortable discussing my deepest pain with others.
Some people heal by talking.
I heal by writing. But still I want my loved ones to be around me.
6- Crying is better
The moments I allow myself to cry often leave me feeling lighter afterward. Not healed, not fixed, but lighter.
Grief needs somewhere to go.
7-People experience grief differently
No two people grieve in exactly the same way.
Some people cry every day.
Some become quiet.
Some throw themselves into work.
Some seem completely fine on the outside while carrying unimaginable pain internally.
There is no universal grief timeline and no universal grief response.
8-Sometimes I have energy, Sometimes I just don't
One day I feel motivated and productive.
The next day I struggle to even make a coffee for myself.
Grief is exhausting.
It affects the mind, the body, and the spirit.
Learning to accept these fluctuations instead of fighting them has been one of the hardest lessons.
9-Moving forward without moving on
Three weeks later, I still find myself reaching for my phone.
I still wonder what he would think about different topics.
I still struggle to understand a world where he no longer exists.
I am learning how to move forward while carrying love, memories, and loss together.
I do not have all the answers.
Right now, I am simply learning to live one day at a time.
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| Photo by Pavel Danilyuk from Pexels |
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